It has risen again strong. It was once said that a certain flavor of self-sufficiency would not thrive under the weakened heart, would not follow the same pattern of self-assurance. This self-reality was, most of the time, correlated with that particular case of a (re)discovery path driven by pride. And yes, it was always about the Beauty of It.

We cannot help it, we are obsessed with the projection of the functional existential target, with the non-casual chasing of that particular pragmatism that has the overarching role of taking over and making us believe we want to reach that certain level of maturity, that functional role, that leveraged model of hope.

I am in the middle of a storm, I cannot really see ahead clearly, my personal clouds demand another type of attention… my reference maturity model is failing me deeply since it requires its own attention, its own calm representation that should be driven by facts, by figures, by submission… By the cold ignorance against my broken heart?

Why should I stop, why should I wait for a light surge? Why should I give myself this particular chance of integration? Well, it is fairly easy to explain – feelings had become a risk commodity for this new world, our inner beliefs should be kept inside, our guard should be always on. We need to protect our lifestyle, we need to thrive, we need to expand over the competition.

The personal art of remembering you as the (un)adapted, lost child has gone bland, you were already marked on the evolutionary Turing machine as grown-up so you need to deal with it. Try to focus on your lost fears, try to embrace the new you, with all the associated emptiness. Try to escape your failing memory. Ignore more, love yourself less. Navigate using a binary tree. Cultivate that anger.  If this makes you functional, adapted, strong.

I will politely refuse myself from driving the integration process described above… I still want that perfect smile to lend me a sweet certain type of singularity. I still feel like giving up. Like singing to myself. Like resetting everything back to -1. I still want to lie to myself that I am not OK. I still want to resent my empty reaction to injustice. I still want to be able to submit.

To you, to us, to a different time. Forever.

Ok. I will start with the less important one but I have not enough time to cover it in detail and I have some issues with doing that considering the corporate-oriented vision of the decaying world… a possible engineering solution to COVID-19 would be a global transfusion database that would dynamically (real-time) match a potential donor list (compiled out of already healed COVID-19 cases that developed the required immunity) against a real/up-to-date acceptor list, that real-time binding/compatibility that would allow the global healing process to emerge.

On top of this fundamental layer, the platform would require all the logistical / distribution / financial analysis to determine the optimal routing / cryogenic resources, shipments, routes (currently affected by the border control situation) and the other bits. GDPR is important, that blood identifies you, contains you so this platform requires anonymity. confidentiality. integrity (not necessarily in IT terms but you got the idea). And yes, I would love to be part of this effort.

However, the Real cure for me is still the love towards the essential items, the placebo for your heart, the values described in my original post about the cure seen as a self-isolation against all the world. One essential extra ingredient in this initially perceived toxic mix is the memory of the loved ones (alive or missing), the memory of those sacred moments that shape your essence. The memory is important (especially for the initial bit of the article). The flow of data, of love, of ideas. Positive reinforcement for the heart. And yes – love yourself!

Special thanks to my inspiration sources/efforts for this idea (they are worth reading, especially now when time is the essence :))

https://www.opencell.bio/coronavirus (PS you can join their effort and help, especially if you have that IT-oriented mind, python is a good vector to decide :))

https://rega.kuleuven.be/if/corona_covid-19

https://nl.wikipedia.org/wiki/Donor-acceptorbinding

https://vaudioblog.blogspot.com/

https://markmanson.net/

https://www.deeplearning.ai/deep-learning-specialization/

https://netflixtechblog.com/

https://aws.amazon.com

I have found it. I did not realize up to now that I truly have access to it. My endless time together with my recollections. It is endless because I am endless. Circular. Still unique. Still alone and still remembered.  My own personal time divided against me is trending towards my universality.

I need to redefine constantly were I stand because of this where enveloped pointer that is most of the time voided by the same time factor. I am winning still. That podium is about me and me alone. I have access to a complex array of vanity mirrors and they are all shinning. Too much light cannot hurt the stage of non-interaction, my Wiki Talk incentive is booted up. The auditorium… Finest on the market exposed to leveraged debt.

I am looking for that initial quote, that moral hazard, that idea that can spawn the desired silence expressed with lateral movement. I need you to be called outside for rectification, you cannot simply walk into this room and sit quietly and formal. Not accepted. Not today. Today is about that interaction.  The quote. It is said a certain type of morality is universal enough to save the face of the entire world… Deep, silent and complete. But still that universal. That exposed.

What about a simple model. The simplest irrational model of all… the Fractal. It spawns universally within your core and redefines at any scale the same fundamental idea… Time is crucial and we need to spend it well. Take it, that personal time of (re)definition and use it wisely… Evolve or (Un)evolve within your personal safe mode. Share that tear of misunderstanding, shout that goodbye. Laugh of the happy memories. Be silent…

The lights are now shut. No recall is allowed. the heart is burning. the universe is yours. He is there with you. You can save faces or him or herself.  Yourself. Choose wisely. Revamp the principle fact that we are immutable. Free. We are us from the beginning, now having been exposed to our own time of misery.

In the end, it is all a single bubble. Of the broken spirit, of the lost epiphany that desires a much-needed closure. Find it and move on, the next love train is located nearby, embrace it. Live your life like the last life of the most ignorant cat you ever met. But live it because it is truly beautiful.

I am infected… with me, with her, but most of the limited time with you… my sweet wicked game that we call life, I must take over the non-governance that shapes me now more than ever.

I need several containers for my feelings, my projects, my solitary ideas. I need to separate the entire mix, this protein shake of political correctness and corporate-driven convictions towards the ideal depicted self, protected and safe from both above and below.

I am growing inside me, I am present, part of a big group. Always present, always connected. I want several layers of attention, I want to expand exponentially, to invade your world, your ideas, your silence. I want to be noticed, to reach that impossible limit. It is all about me or nothing, I do not want at this moment to embrace any micron from your heart, your aspirations or desire to run.

I want it all now since my time is ending, my selfish time turned against me, the healthy instance, with my head stuck in that cloud of silence.

Yes. It was found. Today. This morning around 5:30 AM… Actually, it was only the realization of the idea… Quite an old and valuable idea providing (similar to a very good glass of red wine) the mind comfort of an essential epiphany…

It is simple… The cure is actually your unfiltered independence, from everything, from yourself even. From the main issue of the day. From any personal or global crisis. Let me explain. This idea is linked to known concepts such as placebo, nirvana, ideal thinking, bohemian… you got the point. Those people walking by yourself, singing, dancing…. with their heads stuck in a cloud (not AWS or AZURE…. since they do not follow this pattern filled with peace and joy…. they are going down with the global market – as it should).

The main point is – you cannot escape yourself, your fears, your core beliefs, your allergies (towards beauty included)… your global part/role of this world… you are over-connected, you are over-exposed. You want to retreat on a personal island, to ignore, to get disconnected and you truly believe that you can fool your own mind into this dual layer game of ignorance… but something inside tells you differently, you are trying to relax using this complex aromatherapy mix of indifference and love, panic and zen and you are in the end failing. Not only you. Us. We are failing together since we are always together. Your island, the initial premise from the initial block of this paragraph is virtual, it does not exist.

From the biological/genetic point of view, you need another infection. Some competition against the initial infection. But it must be of high quality. Something that will make your body thrive. Like adrenaline. Yes. Press that acceleration. Turn on the music volume towards the end of the scale. Laugh at the best humor possible. Live harder. Because in the end, this is what you want: To stay alive.

Live & love harder. Love yourself, the others. Your job. Your ideas. Remember what brought you together. Dance. Sing. Forget about everything. Sleep more. Eat healthily and yes, wash your hands since you want to feel clean and neat for that special person next to you. The solution, in the end, is simple, just be yourself, stop acting as someone framed within an image projected against your own core. Accept your status, your value and simply move on. Revert your inner system towards the last known good configuration and take it from there. Simply live and enjoy the small things.

if you need some formalization of all above, I can tell you this essential idea (since it is extracted from my personal job experience and, as my good friends and colleagues know, I love my job):

(def) a virus = an antivirus (with some particular aspects of course in mind). Your immune system needs to remain independent (sounds familiar ?) from yourself, from your central nervous system, from your beliefs or feelings. It was designed like this to be able to save you from most of the situations where your upper stack would fail you miserably. Sometimes you need your amygdala, your instinct to drive you away from a potentially serious context, from danger, from chaos… So:

We need another positive  (I will let you define this for yourself – you know best what heals you) infection to mess up the primary one (in theory negative in nature). We need a reset mechanism. If we can keep the primary infection busy with its own competition we are already winning. This can be seen as a mirror reaction. You mess up with my life targeting a core aspect and doing this in a global fashion… I need a similar reaction from my end but now somehow targeted against my inner world (biological/spiritual). This could be a blood transfusion, a medicine or a happy thought. Or pure ignorance (I prefer the latter since I am lazy and I like being alone).

At this point, I would use a musical trick/sign that I learned early in my life within a very familiar context (that I recently revisited – best decision of my life):  the Repeat Symbol (composed of 2 lines – thin & thick and 2 dots – feel free to connect these as you see fit). You need to re-read the entire text (hit F5 while doing this or the refresh arrow if you are non-IT, would help my statistics and my alter ego a bit). But also do it in your own life (by the way, I would not change too much within except for the negative annoying bits that are relevant or annoying).

Place yourself on Repeat mode for all the good/cool stuff, for the best moments with the best / difficult friends. For remembering the best memories and moments and places and why not,  the best “dramas”. Because we love drama. We should have next to our day to day exit door a “dramatic exit” door – both at home or at work (it is ok to laugh, this is not actually my idea, I saw it on Facebook once, on a similar context with the image of the meditation infused dude that got the entire ommmm incantation wrong – according to the 2 cows standing by and observing him).

Yes… you are allowed to laugh. Be ironic (most of my figurant friends I have are ironic and I love them for it). And again, all this good stuff that heals your mind, put it on repeat. Keep it there.

Thank you for your time. It’s 12:30 and I still have 21 minutes left to grab something (if still available) + 9 minutes for my favorite (recently discovered) latte. I hope you are more relaxed and thus more healthy, maybe cured (at least from some form of stupidity/manipulation/fear). I know I talk a lot so this (writing towards yourself) is a form of therapy that helps me obtain my independence, my own quiet instance, chill, invisible.

Have fun & love yourself!

of my deriving soul. Of your forgiveness.
I decided to finally burn down the stigmatized bridges of hope,
to concur towards solitude, to reflect more by reacting more.

of my potential love affairs, of my overpriced freedom.
Lost in the singular gyratory filled with shards of personal drama,
I’ve always chosen to drive myself towards a shattered mirror
of misunderstanding.

of your departing smile, of my embarrassment.
Not listening for the fear of wearing out your definitive silence
towards us, towards yourself, my sweet quarantine.

He is like a tree… after a big storm… constantly broken. Although he believed every single storm (no matter the size) to represent quite a real big issue, he got somehow attached to the feeling of being exposed to the elements crushing all around himself.

He felt that only the things surrounding his vicinity were getting shattered one by one, but not himself… since he was recording the events with a precise norm. He decided to rely (for the so much needed shield structure) more on the hidden part, his own roots as they were supposed to offer him the core components for survival.

He nourished the idea that protecting each individual root element from himself, the tree and from the other root elements is the best thing he can afford to do, since all this was indeed hidden, buried within the underground… And it worked for a while…

The visible part sustained all the consistent damage, the storm brought some reinforcements, however…. the hidden part evolved in a different direction once it felt the extra attention being granted… It started initiating a reverse storm (each individual element providing its own particular contribution to it) from the inside… the Interior felt that the External perception/sensation of good must be mirrored…. even if actually the pressure on the root structure was highly exceeded by the exponential storm level.

He was like a tree, he had a good premise for growth but he got stuck between the internal roots and the crushing elements surrounding him… He is now the perpetual storm.

She is a piano, somehow binary but mostly infinite, drowning within a sea of semitones.
She is the wind, blowing away hopes of having your way defined as a straight line.
She is quite wild… The discovery of a silent nanosecond makes her laugh.
She is everything and nothing… forcing you to imagine a frame of a rainbow diluted in concrete,
She is weak, she is dying in my eyes, she is gone… She is me.

#Initialization

– And how do you see her? Now … it may be easier for you to recognize her… Tudor, you can speak freely about her… You really are allowed…
How is she? How’s Emma …?

[… pause…]

– Or maybe you can define your love for her… Or maybe her love for you… Unfortunately / Luckily there is no available symmetry concerning this chapter… If you were to think of a single word… that would capture it within a hidden essence: How do you see Emma’s love?

– Emma’s love? Her love is like a cigarette … smoked on the run and then faded out within a moment of giving up … Some kind of… burnout. I think I have a definition for this too …

# (def.) Burnout = A burning outside

I am just a moment of breath,
A jerk, cramped grief,
suffocated by the other unprepared brothers,
unconscious of the inevitable ephemeral ignition …

I’m just a wandering moment on your trembling lips,
just a monosyllabic stream of smoke,
just an inner tear that poisons your lungs and heart,
the real medicine for the sweet shyness that drowns you.

I’m just a piece of love,
abandoned within a sea risen from the ash of recognition,
I’m just a moment of sweet cowardice, guilty pampering,
the singular instance awarded with every single new hope.

It’s me, the discreet tormentor, the claimed shadow, the dust
that envelops you and defends you always …. from you.

(fragment from The last 21)

I possess no more favorable words… no more charity … no more unpredictable tables of association… nothing sharp, nothing cold …. I’ve got simply nothing, with a tangible sense of humor… my legacy growing up null towards a uniform integration into a cruel & forgiving world.